1st ($55 / 10pts): Adam "Nefarious" Joseph
2nd ($10/ 7pts): Ray "Patience" Flowers
3rd ($0 / 4pts): Margaret "Not so Sleepy Time" Bridgeman
4th ($0 / 2pts): Ken "Deep Sigh" Neafcy
Low Stakes / 9 Players / 1 Table / 115a Endtime

It had become obvious in recent weeks that the, "It's my house so you must let me win!" premise has lost its efficacy - how rude. Thus I found it necessary to resort to (what some might call questionable) new tactics both at and away from the table to capture a victory.

First I made sure that Mark Y had a final exam the next day.

Next I met up with Staci P's husband Brad for a beer. The conversation started out manly enough: cost of gas, the newest riding mowers, they can't really go with Grossman again this year? It wasn't long until we had driven away the nearest females in the bar with the macho pretense. Then we could have a real heart-to-heart about feelings and emotional needs. By the end of the evening I had him blubbering about how much he loved his wife. And that he missed those simple nights of cuddling on the couch watching "Love Story" with a big box of tissues like they used to.

Late Saturday night I cranked up the stereo playing "Stoke Me" by Billy Squier and then called Valerie D (wife of Dallas D). Slurry the whole time I asked her to remind me of their home address. I told her we needed to tell the cabbie who was going to pick us up from Sugar's after we had gotten thrown out for too much groping. Can you say, "Dog House?"

I sent Martin G's boss a very official looking email that said due to rising gas prices all their deadlines where getting moved up by two months. That one was a little weak, but I was tapped out by that point. Remarkably it seemed to work anyway.

So that took care of a portion of the field. Then I had to deal with everyone else who actually managed to attend despite my best nefarious efforts.

I finally found some time to line the living room with a fine copper mesh to shield out Eric H's connection to the dark powers. Based upon the first two rounds it was apparent that I hadn't set it up quite right. He was rocking early and compiled a substantial stack - earned in no small part by making a great call to take me out - damn those dark powers. But on the first break I tinkered with the system and wouldn't you know it, reversing the polarity does work! With his signals jammed, Eric H slowly burned down his stack.

I had a quick but potent conversation with Mick M about a new plan I had to leave my job and "go pro" playing World of Warcraft. "It's all about the endorsements!" I insisted. That was easily enough to wreck her concentration.

My "mechanic" skills finally coming together, I needed only the mere moments it required to hand a freshly "made" deck from the shuffler to the dealer to set Aaron W up. Pulling Kowboys against Jen N's Rockets was certain doom. My only regret was that I had sought a more dramatic/crushing death for him. I had incorrectly positioned two board cards. The third King was supposed to hit the board BEFORE the third Ace - gotta work on that.

A little later I asked Randy R to please move his Monster energy drink from the side table onto a TV tray. He said he was fine, but found nothing odd when I insisted. As the can touched down in the cup holder it activated the nanobots I had placed there. Quickly they drilled a tiny hole in the can, inserted a super powerful blend of hallucinogens and even more caffeine, sealed the hole and repainted the can. After only one sip Randy R was awake and alert but with his senses mighty compromised his game was destined to end in a bad read.

Jen N was a real problem. She's such a "Rock" that even messing with her cards was not going to work. With great trepidation I had to just hope for her to have a bad encounter with the poker god's. Thankfully it worked out that way.

Ken N fell into another one of my deftly executed traps. I made sure that he saw so many wins with two-pair for most of the night, that he would be completely blind-sided when I nailed him with my own Kings and Nines. Hah - The oldest trick in the book! Unfortunately I didn't actually kill him. But he was mortally wounded. He had little opportunity do his trademark "(Deep Sigh), I guess I call..." for sneaky wins like he loves to do and just bled out from there.

Margaret B was not so easy. I had to very carefully stitch a very small radio receiver into her pillow. It then took many weeks of playing subliminal messages to her as she slept. But I finally had her thinking it was her idea to reduce her use of sleeping pharmaceuticals. And so... Like the Green Lantern without his ring, like Wonder Woman without her cape, like Neil Armstrong without the Mark 5, like Roy Rodgers without his skateboard, like George W without K Rove... With only "Sleepy Time" tea in her system, she was reduced to playing like a mere mortal.

Ray F was actually the easiest of all. He's so good and tight that all I had to do was wait out the hot-streak he almost always gets late in the game. After that I was able to cancel out his great skill. Just like playing an inverted sign wave of any sound will cancel out the same sound, all I had to do was play so badly that his quality play was neutralized.

And just that like that, "Victory was mine!" But enough rejoicing. Gotta go! Lot's to do before next week.......